Note: this post is NOT to elicit sympathy, concern or expressions of support (no, seriously, I appreciate any such thought but really don’t want or need to hear it). I’m sharing because some days are bad days and there is something to be learned in them.
And yes, today is a bad day. My stupid freakin back is acting up enough for me to be incapable of ignoring it or pretending its just a blip. While I have held to a general state of calm and positive thinking, somedays fear surges up and all the horrible possibilities start doing a whirly twirly dance around me. Bad days are really good for letting the fear in (the fear in this case residing in how long will this injury last, will it outlast the really good medical leave at work, will I ever get back to normal, etc.).
What’s interesting is that sadness also leaks out on days like this. Is it just anger twisted inwards? Fear turned sideways? Or is it true sadness?
I honestly don’t know. It’s just a sea of heart-break, waves slipping long and deep across my inner sands. It wells up and subsides in a rhythm only it knows.
I don’t know what’s being released through this. I can only accept it as part of myself that needs its own acknowledgement, its own space, its own share of my attention.
And what I’ve found in the past is that when deep sadness or pain is lurking just below consciousness, one of the best ways for me to finish drawing it to the surface and release it is to watch an emotionally intense movie. There are some guarantee to make me cry scenes here and there, but let’s face it, you want a movie to wring you out, why not go with What Dreams May Come? After all, almost everyone is dead within the first ten minutes and the remainder die by the end anyways 😀
We’ll see what else may come tonight. Okay, anyone else think that sounded dirty?